Cult Intervention Blog
I had 4 days on a 1,200 mile motorcycle trip time to think about my relationship with Ruth. I was ready to break up with her because with her being in a cult there was no place for me and planning a future with her was just a waste of time. Reasoning with her was not possible but until this point in time I didn’t understand why. On one side she was professional and down to earth person who is frugal and able to analyze sharply the world around herself. On the other side she talks about “invisible realm” and other cult jargon which I could not understand and clearly had no interest to understand. Also I felt like getting her out of this cult was a lost cause because she showed no sign of finally quitting the group. The opposite was true – the closer it got to the big “website coming out date,” the more motivated she appeared to me.
When I turned into my driveway back from my motorcycle trip, I had decided to let her go – it was just too painful for me to go on with this. I just had enough. When I came into the house she was already waiting for me and I saw her smile and my plan melted like butter in the sun. The frustration was not gone and the next day when I was back at work I started to browse the internet for more cult information to finally beef up my knowledge about cults. It was clear to me that she was in a cult because she appeared brainwashed to me and there was this guy Michael Guen which clearly took advantage of all members in the group. But other than that I had no background information how a cult works and what I can do about it.
After browsing for a few hours, I found a book written by an ex-cult member. I invested the money buying the book and that was probably the best money I had invested in a while. I did read the 170 pages of the book in 2 days and marked the matching paragraphs and sentences with a highlighter. After a while marking became clearly pointless because I almost marked ½ of all sentences. This was the first time I clearly understood how a cult works and what I was dealing with. Ruth’s group was a textbook cult! I learned about the pseudo personality and how a member of the cult is mind controlled from the psychopath cult leader. At this point I had understood that fighting with a pseudo personality has absolutely no value because I was not arguing with the normal Ruth. I also found out that there is hope and I that I have a chance to deprogram her to get rid of her pseudo personality.
I finally could create a plan – I liked that because I felt so helpless the last 9 months. First I contacted David. He was the author of the book and a former cult member who is now a consultant for ex-cult members and their loved once. David returned my email in just a few minutes and we set up a Skype conference. I gave him a 10,000 foot picture of my experiences with Ruth so far and he confirmed that my assumptions were most likely true. He also agreed to consult with Ruth starting on the third day of the “intervention.”
I formulated a plan and shared it with David. David proposed a few changes to avoid aggravating her pseudo personality. Because I didn’t want to alert Ruth, I called the intervention plan “The Program” and ask her to cease any interaction to her group for 3 weeks. Ruth was not sure for exactly what she agreed to but she did it for the sake of our relationship. The following pages are blog entries from the intervention I wrote to share my experiences with David and later with Ruth. I also asked Ruth to write a blog twice a day. What she did not know was that this blog entry was also shared with David. These blog entries give a deep inside look of Ruth and her pseudo personality and the struggles she went through. It also shows my learning process throughout the intervention process. All sentences related to her pseudo cult personality are marked in red. Ruth’s first realizations are underlined.
Karl 5/9 – 2:00 pm (shared with David but not shared with Ruth)
Ruth and I had a great 12 hours. She did sleep at my place and I gently introduced her to “The Program” without really saying what the real nature of “The Program” is. She seems to be completely open and deeply trusting in me. After you (David) asked me yesterday if I am sure if she still seeing Michael on her one-on-one acupuncture sessions because there is only one way when she could still do it and this is in her lunch break and I checked it out yesterday and she was not there. (Hey you made me paranoid). I am 95% sure she is not going anymore since 2-3 months and since then I have seen big changes in her behavior after thinking about it. I asked Ruth to write a blog about the experience she has with the program she will go though in the next three weeks and she agreed to write a morning blog and an evening blog entry. This gives you (David) the chance to read what emotional situation she is in when you meet her and track the overall progress.
Here are videos from Michael Guen: http://www.youtube.com/user/principledpower. I contacted my friend Jim and Steve, they know my struggle with Ruth completely (Ruth likes both of them) and I ask them to meet her and to get her side of the story after the first intervention session with Ruth. They did read also the first chapter of David’s book. I would also like Jill and Crystal (best friends of Ruth) to go through the same session with Ruth later in the week or in the second week.
Here is the order of things I would like to start with. Feedback is highly appreciated!
- Ruth writes a entry in the blog.
- You-tube Video of End of the world cult. I thought this is a great start because the guys name is Michael and there will be an instant connection and it clearly shows the dynamic of the group members and there guru.
- QA Session after the video asking her to share her thoughts about the video.
- Ruth writes a entry in the blog.
- Ruth writes a entry in her blog
- Me and Ruth go over her parents’ house and I will have a talk with her father
- Ruth meets my friend Jim to listen to her story and give her critical feedback. Jim was reading the first chapter of here David’s book in order to understand the dynamics (Same setup I like to organized with Jill and Crystal, Ruth’s best friends.)
- Ruth writes Blog
- 9 pm session with David (open ended)
- Ruth writes Blog
- Ruth writes Blog
- Ruth writes 9 pm session with David (open ended)
- Ruth writes Blog
- Karl organizing with David about the rest of the week
- Read the rest of the David’s book
- Meet Jill and Crystal in individual sessions
- Reflect the book she read for the lunch breaks
- More meetings with David (as much she can digest)
I am hopeful and excited -
“I have seen the light”
Ruth 5/11 – 1:56 pm (shortened version)
I have absolutely no idea what The Program is or what I will learn from the next three weeks, but I feel as though it will be a part of my spiritual breakthrough. He says that he has seen the light. I have a feeling that he has seen God. Not unlike the afternoon when I woke up from my sleep and the orb of blue light radiated from my window. I want to write about that in my chapter, the calm sense of knowing that came over me, the hope that I would one day be able to feel that warmth and peace that I know deep down is actually my birthright. You see, the blue light is always there. Why have we been so blind? Why have I been so focused on my wicked past when there was always the good blended within that as well? Yes, perhaps I was a murderer or a rapist, a witch or whatever you would like to call it. But there has been this powerful woman with a beating heart. I know that it is love that will save me and right now it is Karl that is going out of his way to guide me, through his holding of structure, through his intense and passionate love. I am willing to go deep with him and open and hopefully we can reach a sense of understanding that I feel has already begun. Because the healing is the feminine – I know I started this long ago and I can see into the horizon these beautiful birds circling above. This is my unknown, and I approach it with love.
Ruth 5/11 – 10:46 pm
So I found out today what The Program is all about – learning about mind control and cults to reflect back on my own community experience. I guess I should have known where all of this was going, but it became evident to me when Karl introduced the first video to me. It was my first official assignment and a few minutes into the Youtube segment, I could already feel myself trying to hold back a reaction. Basically, the video was depicting this man in New Mexico in the year 2007 who claimed himself to be the living son of God. So basically, he claimed himself to be Jesus. He was in his sixties or so and had a beard with a whole following of women dressed in flowing garb. And of course he called himself Michael – very nice coincidence. I thought that the guy was very freaky, especially in regards to the fact that he had a lot of minors that seemed brainwashed. It seeped out during the interview that God told him to lie naked with young virgins, as to symbolize how you should be naked before God. He was talking about the end of the world which was supposed to happen in October 31, 2007. Of course, he says that he chose a very extreme example of a cult in order to make a point. The people in the video seemed totally unable to think for themselves. They were living in an isolated, created world.
He had kept the whole Program to himself, asking me to promise that I won’t react. It was hard not to react through it all, especially because I felt as though at first that he had an agenda in mind. He’s said a few times now I guess that I am supposed to take away from all of this certain tools to apply to my own life, to look critically at everything that I have been through. What I really want above everything else is a resolution around this subject matter, as it is the main thing that is preventing our relationship from moving forward in a healthy direction. I can see it be the most pressing issue in our lives. I want to be understood and he also wants to understand me as well. Well, I know that he cares about me, given the time and energy and effort he has put into this past week speaking with people, setting up appointments, watching these cult videos until 3 in the morning to gather material for my Program. Goddammit, for a minute I thought that it would be a program about my life, to also bring the memories back and organize them in a way that would make sense. I have to give it to him that he was non-reactive about the way in which he approached things.
By the second video, I was already having a meltdown and ended up sobbing through my personal frustration. That one was of a woman who specialized as a cult recovery therapist. She had been in a cult herself and the leader of the cut hypnotized her and implanted suggestions while she was in the trance itself. She seemed very articulate and knowledgeable and simultaneously wounded by her experiences. I think that she was personally on a mission to educate others about this subject matter of mind control and manipulation – how it looks like. He wanted me to reflect back on whether anything she said could be applied to the group. One of the things was that I would be blaming myself for everything going wrong and that nothing could be wrong in the group. Well, I can tell you that for all these months I have wanted to be defensive and protect Michael and the community because I felt as though it was something that was meaningful to me. If this is how others perceive it, then it is how this may be perceived – he really wants to give me tools to analyze my life and reach some conclusions in myself. Here I was being ultra critical of the man in the first video who seemed pretty ego-centric and defensive himself when he was questioned by a journalist. If it is true that I am not being mind controlled then, I will have my own opinion on things, I would be able to look at this group with a critical eye. Well, after I discuss the timeline with Karl, maybe it will become clearer what I need to do with the material. I think that it may be beneficial for him to read what I have to say about the whole timeline and the events that happened.
A part of me doesn’t want to do this. I don’t want to have to explain every little thing in detail and have people judge me – which is a huge possibility in itself. I really wish that I didn’t have to go through this trial and tribulation around what I feel is the work that I need to do. I guess you really have to fight for what you believe in. He wants to know my thoughts and my feelings. Well, I can say that I have to let go of my defensiveness and begin to participate in a meaningful way. I am doing it for the sake of our relationship and our sanity. I am doing it to learn more about this subject matter and to see what is useful enough or applicable enough. In the process, I am hoping that I can come out a stronger person, someone who is more sure of herself and confident enough to be able to make some business decisions for the future. I personally think it’s a lot of bullshit to try and have to prove myself to everyone, but I guess this is what I will need to do continually again and again, to show that this is something that is coming out to the open, that it is meaningful. But here – he’s probably thinking right now about how much I have been brainwashed. Frack. I just feel like I want to express my point of view and begin to formulate my own opinions on this material. I have to wait and see – whatever is in store for me. It is upsetting that I have to bring up uncomfortable things with Karl, with other people. I am also fighting for myself in some regards, fighting for the relationship but also for the chance to be understood. I am doing this for us. He wants me to do it for myself, too. But I will not stretch the truth there.
So, whatever. I am exhausted, but not completely drained. At least we are not fighting. Maybe I have something else to learn. I really hope that this whole subject matter will be put to rest. I am still very curious about hearing his experiences, especially the whole revelation that unfolded just a week ago. Once again, waiting and seeing – to have patience and faith in this whole process. He seems more peaceful, and in some ways I am too.
Karl 5/11 – 10:46 pm (shared with David only)
End of the World Cult Video (see Video Resources on this Website)
After showing Ruth the End of World cult video she was mildly annoyed and disappointed because she learned what the “Program” is about. I ask her questions like, “What do you think the followers of Michael (the cult leader in the video)” She answered and analyzed this very sharply but stayed away from making any connection to her group. After I ask her a direct question if she sees some connection she got very frustrated and started to cry. I made a recording of the QA session and I like to play the recording again.
Madeleine Tobias 2002 Video Interview on YouTube (see Video Resources on this Website)
Ruth showed very strong reaction with a lot of crying. She felt that the Interview in the video was closely addressing her group. She ask me if I handpicked this video extra for her. This could be important because I felt it addresses her group really accurately. I recorded the session and will share it with (David) ASAP. Overall I thought the day was ok even if we didn’t start reading (David’s) book yet. Ruth is shaken and shocked and I think there is a lot of thinking going on in here.
Ruth 5/12 – 8:10 am
Day 2 of The Program – should I call it TP for short? Well, a whole array of emotions have been going through me in the last twelve or more hours. Karl and I have been having more talks about this issue and why exactly I have the type of defensive reactions to the subject matter. Yes, it’s true that there is a little girl in me kicking and screaming, wanting to defend Michael Guen, the work and the community. It’s the girl in me that wants to know that the past ten years of my life have been meaningful. He’s asking me to lock up that girl and to give her a crust of bread and water for the next three weeks. At first, I think that I was still resistance and also a bit mistrustful of the greater intentions of The Program. Was there a hidden agenda to have me quit the group? Was it all about trying to assess me and convince me that I am being deceived and thus that I am a fool. One of the interesting things about the video and the discussions that I have been having with Karl is that anyone (I repeat) anyone can be deceived by a cult leader – that the charisma, charm and ability to read people line up perfectly so that they may take advantage of another. I guess in the application that I am being asked to consider, my group has a lot of the outside views of a cult – having a charismatic leader, large amounts of money being given to him for a service, the idea of a cause and the fact that we have been waiting for a big coming out that has a change of deadlines over the years. This is the part where Karl will tell me to stop trying to defend and just look at the facts. He wants me to discriminate, be critical, to see Michael and the group clearly and honestly – as well as to recall my own memories to put the pieces together about mind control and manipulation. One of the biggest questions I have in mind as I go through the material and learn about these psychopaths and real life stories is what is there original intention – how did they deceive their followers and how did their own selfishness play into that role? I also actually want to apply these principles to the early days of the women’s way where one of our group members actually confessed that this was a cult and that it later evolved into a whole different scene of what we have today.
I am not going to try to fight with Karl to convince him to see a point of view – for the next three weeks my job is to analyze and apply the material to my own experiences, to see whether or not I have actually been mind controlled. I can see why he is concerned about my relationship with Michael and the exchange of money and why he believes I am being taken advantage of. It’s up to me in the three weeks to determine if I am being taken advantage of and his tools will have some validity. It’s true that I am a critical thinker when I want to be and being able to finally merge my emotional self and the critical self into a whole self is the main goal – because my intellect cannot override my heart or vice versa if I want to be a whole human being. I think it can be healing also for my relationship with Jill and Crystal, who are actually a few of my closest girlfriends, for them to understand a little more about my experience and to see me question whether or not I am in an abusive dynamic.
In the end, all of these people do care about me, it would be similar if I was in an abusive relationship being hit by a partner, Jill said to me once. Wouldn’t I want to know if I am being mind-controlled, Karl asked me yesterday. Well, in the end, if there is nothing there, then there is nothing to fear and this issue can finally rest between us. Because I don’t want to drag it on and on years into our relationship where it finally poisons everything. Why not deal with it out in the open and have a sense of finality and resolution – for the sake of healing our relationship. I can’t focus on trying to convince anyone of anything – just as they cannot force something or try to convince me. All this research on cults and cult-leaders can be a fascinating topic for me too – because actually there are a lot of spiritual leaders who have taken advantage of their followers. Men who have had sex with their participants for selfish gains, claiming something else. Large amounts of money being handed over with no intention of ever giving the payback of an investment. So this is why it would be useful for me to think critically about my own situation and hopefully find out material that needs to be uncovered.
I am trying to stay open and trust that this whole process will end up in a fruitful, forgiving place. And I think that Karl is right – I will have a hard time bringing out my writing if he feels as though I am deceiving myself and that I am always wanting to please everyone around me with something that I want them to hear. I think that my story is becoming clearer. It is also a story of going from having little conscience to opening my heart. Here is where he would say that I am once again blaming myself, that I may have been mind controlled to feel as though it is my fault about the jealousy issues. He is leaning in that direction, but if he says that he is truly open to other points of view, well then I will believe him. For now, I think that I can sink my teeth into the idea of studying these master manipulators, for being able to see why followers have really placed their trust in them and to open up the bigger question of am I being manipulated by Michael Guen and am I in a cult? I am also becoming more fascinated with seeing how the lack of empathy (from the lung) plays into all of this. This is a perfect set up, as I said before of how this all plays into the lung section. Perhaps when my three weeks are up, I will explain this more to Karl. For now, I want to see the effects and just go from there.
Karl 5/12 – 11:05 am
Just had breakfast with Ruth. We woke up in the middle of the night and started talking about the Program. I gave Ruth two examples from my past live I did run into other con artists in my direct social circle. Ruth was non-reactive and could relate to the information. I ask her to see this information always in relationship to her own group. She told me that she felt like she is on trial and that she has problems to open up to all this people. I told her that if she cannot get the “kicking and screaming Ruth” to shut up that The Program is just a waste of time. I ask her what she has to lose – if the program does reveal that there is no cult she can just go ahead and continue. If there is something, would that not be good to find out? She agreed and she told me that she is committed to the three weeks. I think she is committed because she think there is nothing and her group is just fine – but there is a crack in the wall and I see there is somebody in here who wants to get out in the open and share. She was crying a lot in the last 24 hours and I think she started to engage in the process and that she becomes more open and in touch with her emotions . I am optimistic that we can get the tools to work we will give here in the next upcoming 3 weeks. (Man I sound like a cult leader )
Ruth 5/12 – 10:05 am
This is complete bullshit. I am so drained from this experience. Jim (Karl’s friend) just left the room and I feel as though I have been put through the ringer. He wants to prove his point, he wants to show me the light. But right now I just feel so angry inside. And then he’s going to point out to me again and again and again how I am being defensive. Frack this bullshit. We’re trying to be more open and honest about ourselves, about everything. I can tell you now that I am only doing this for us, that you are telling me that you have tools to analyze my situation. We had such a good day today with my parents, light and playful, really open and jovial. I really enjoyed seeing them and my sister too. I really enjoyed laughing with them. I am sitting here thinking how much I just want to quit this whole thing. But I won’t, because I am doing it for US. He wants me to do it for me as well. Frack this BS. Okay, so that is Ruth 2 right now talking. She is kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs, she hates the program. Even though she has a bandana wrapped around her mouth. She is still able to scream. Then so where is Ruth 1 right now. She is also here, typing on this keyboard, trying to make sense of this stupid program. So here is the question: DID MICHAEL CREATE THIS DEPENDENCY OR DID I CREATE IT? What did I do to change this dynamic? Apparently I have to prove that I have done something. I have to prove it on the physical realm (Ruth 2). I am consciously stepping back right now and can see my defenses, the very thing that he is trying to get me to think critically about. My morning entry was so logical, so reasonable and I think it’s because it came from Ruth 1. I believe that I can genuinely heal this split in myself and that I am very close, if not right there. There is nothing more that I have to do. I can tell you that this does not change right now what I truly believe in, but apparently The Program is not about focusing on what I believe in spiritually, but about what is just true on the surface. Okay, here is Ruth 2 again. Just reactions, reactions, reactions. I can’t process all this information, all this saturation right now. You are trying to prove a point and I cannot process any of it. Maybe I will feel better in the morning but right now I am angry. And you want me to turn that anger around and really go at Michael Guen, don’t you. Well, I’m angry that I have waited around all this time to feel as though I’ve gotten somewhere. You want me to say things about him, to damage his character and his credibility. The truth is that everything is not black and white. I am not going to defend him right now. I am just not even going to go there. REACTION, REACTION. Reaction. I cannot even write in a very rational place so frack it.
Karl 5/12 – 8:31 pm (shared with David and Ruth)
Frack I am so exhausted. I am wondering how professionals can handle that to discuss and discuss and discuss forever the same bullshit. I am a Amiable/Driver person. These are the personality styles driving me and I try to beware of them and direct them as necessary. These kinds of persons like to DO thinks (Drive) and drive thinks to completeness without overrunning (Amiable) other people and not taking advantage of other people. I always “try” to stay true to this but I have the tendency to overrun people with my reactiveness, judgment and drive. It is hard to change that and I accepted that changing is all about little steps and the first step is to become aware about yourself that you have these patterns in you. Well people are way more complex that these simple personality style compartments but I think about them as a tool to help me to access myself in my day by day life. Buddhism fill the same gap in me – I need these tools to stay true to myself. I accepted in life that I am not everybody’s darling. I appreciate the friends I have and feel content about the relationships I have with them. I like to show the complete Karl. He is sad/happy/reactive/has many opinions. He also like to have a door in his world which stays open for new influences. Sometimes Karl is so tired (like today) that he just likes to be alone in his world, he stops talking and he shuts his door. I wish I could do that now and shout out loud until my trough hurts which I do sometimes in my car to get my energy out. It feels dam good and it seems like it takes a burden from my shoulder and helps me to stay less reactive.
Yesterday I had a lovely day with Ruth and her parents. She is healing herself – and I see her smile and be happy in the circle of people she loves and people who love here. After this beautiful day I did had a hard time to get on The Program. The struggle started already in the car and I had an internal conversation going on what the topic this evening would be. I could have taken a gentle and easy approach and let Ruth and Jim (my friend) find their way themselves what they want to talk about. That would been also nice to myself because we all would talk a bit and share stories about our live. Ruth would talk about spiritual experience and development and Jim would talk about his wife experience. This would make us think a bit and I could still have a nice rest of the evening with Ruth. After going back on force on that, which stopped 30 minutes before Jim came, I decided, like Jim phrased it, “Rattle the cage.” I wanted to finally talk in the open about Michael. We still tiptoe around him and when I am direct Ruth gets protective. I though Jim would be a nice person, which is not directly involved, to have this conversation. The conversation dragged on and I thought dam it Jim – you are too nice. Get to the point. I bit my tongue and wrote my notes. There were a few interesting point but I always thought that Jim is such a nice guy – this session was not about being nice. Wait Karl – just hold your horses. Question started piling up in my brain to ask and I though the conversation stayed on the surface. Frak – I have to jump in. I stopped them in the conversation and redirected to get deeper. I don’t want to judge myself here because I like to save the ink for later but yes I admit I was in times reactive. Anyhow I had 10 other points in my notes and we just stayed on one topic. After a bit more back and force and a lot of talking from Jim I jumped in again and ask Ruth to put herself in Michael’s shoes and see Ruth with Michael’s eyes. I was intense and animated and I was not sure if I got through to Ruth 1. Ruth had finally enough of my theater and called here, well-deserved, break. After she came back in 5 minutes I though the atmosphere changed. Jim started to talk about his experience and reflected it back onto Michael. He talks for 5 minutes and I was deeply impressed how he applied his knowledge and thought what he did hear in the last two hours. Ruth did listen carefully and I had the feeling it was Ruth 1. I though just this 5 minutes was a great value for having the last two hours and I felt relieved. Frack I am tired…
Ruth 5/13 – 8:31 am
Day three of The Program. It feels like it’s been forever. I slept surprisingly well last night even though I was really reactive and stressed out. I was very glad that Jim came over last night and contributed to the conversation. I feel as though what Karl said was true – that Jim was actually in a one-on-one cult with his ex and that he had some insightful knowledge of his own life. When I wrote the last entry last night, I felt so tired, reactive, exhausted, wondering why we had to put ourselves through this torture. He wants me to look at this whole thing with critical eyes, a fresh perspective. He says that he is doing this because he loves me and I believe him. But I think that there is a deeper motivation on his part that he may or may not be aware of – something which has to do with his personal history, his desire to protect me, his love and his relationship to Germany’s dark past. There is a reason that this has unfolded the way it has and it is much more multi-layered and complex than the surface value. The thing that comes to my mind the most is that Karl has a passionate desire to know the truth and to live his life without taking advantage of people. Something about this topic is driving him, and it’s not just about his love for me. There is much more force behind it – what would drive him beyond love to work solid for a week, to watch videos til three in the morning, to have a four hour conversation with an expert? When the three weeks are over, I will have my own opportunity to do my thing with him and I am already feeling little flashes of awareness coming through. I know that I am being asked to focus now and I can do that.
Yes, I think that our dynamic is changing and that he is much less reactive than he used to be. He has a certain way of expressing himself and bringing it to the point, and Jim pointed out the German engineering mind that he had also observed in himself. So that does trigger me and I have to consciously hold Ruth 2 back from biting at her ropes that are holding her back because she wants to gnaw through them like the little maus she is. Anyhow, I think that he has a point – or is making his point again to emphasize the importance. He wants me to stay open and apply these tools to my situation. I can see my own dependency on Michael Guen and I think that I have made great progress in changing my dynamic with him. What have you done to change the dynamic? It has been more on the spiritual, invisible level and this is very hard for Karl to digest or believe. But I really think it is changing on that level and this process that I am in, this excruciating process is all part of the major change that I believe is going on – which has to do with transforming the co-dependent relationship to one of individuality. I feel in some ways that Michael has influenced and manipulated me. But the question is – what were his motivations? I believe that has everything to do with the outcome, the situation, and whether or not you can deem someone as a psychopath. In some ways, he did manipulate me to believe that I had a chance to really be with him. But in actuality, it is more complex than that – that there is a spiritual component as well that I’m being asked to separate. I don’t know what Karl will think when he reads that, whether he would be more frightened, in fear mode etc. But I am taking to heart what he said about staying open, which means that he needs to stay open, too. He’s not necessarily going to like everything that comes out of it. And at the heart is his fear that he will need to address. I need to make myself open, vulnerable and most of all open to the idea that perhaps I could be in a cult.
I will take notes on the book by David. I am somewhat looking forward to meeting him and telling him my story. I am glad that Karl is not going to be there with his influence because sometimes I feel that the direction of the conversation just needs to take a natural course and sometimes there is a very specific need to direct it in a very focused way. Perhaps David can give me insight into really opening up my doubt and accessing the truth of my heart and the reality. The reality is not so black and white really. But the idea of the abuse of power is an incredibly important topic. I just want to point out that there is more than just the victim-perpetrator mentality. There is also the story of the perpetrator, and where this person comes from. Is it as simple as a bunch of people being brainwashed into victim-hood? I think that life is more complex than that. I honestly am trying to stay open to all of this and not shut down. That has been my tendency. And I guess I see the value in trying to reason with Karl as well as my inner self. Reason is valuable – but it is cold and calculated if it is not combined with opening your heart. And that is the reason that I am having a hard time separating out the spiritual from this discussion. Because the life lessons that I have learned from my participation in the group (whether or not it is a cult) are actually exactly what my soul has attracted. Just as there is a reason Karl is in my life. Just as there is a reason my parents are the ones I chose to have (yes I believe there was a choice). You can’t separate that out. But for the purpose of this exercise, I will focus on my reason. I will see what needs to be separated out so that I can bring them together to heal. And by being brutally honest with myself, with him and with my relationship to Michael Guen, I can heal something on both the physical and spiritual realm. I love Karl with all my heart and see him as my potential life partner and father of my children. So it is worthwhile for me to suffer through this and learn what I need to, hopefully with the intention of opening up a spiritually and physically minded discussion with him so that we can start to understand each other and our divine and physical reason for being together. I hope he can see that it’s not just Ruth 2 fighting all the time, that maybe sometimes Ruth 3 (spiritual) is the babysitter and she is keeps a close loving watch on the two of them.
Ruth 5/14 – 12:16 am
I am so emotionally exhausted. It is so early in the morning and we just got off the phone with the guy from Spain (David). I did not get off on the right foot with him – in fact I was very critical and very reactive, especially when I learned that Karl sent him an email from Michael Guen to analyze. I had actually spent forty minutes today on my lunch break analyzing his book and trying to play a different role with my community perceptions. I just feel absolutely drained and yet not drained at the same time. I really am doing this as an act of love because what else would keep me going at this point, especially when I can quit. I have really quit before in the past – I sort of did that in a certain way with Matt (Ruth ex-Husband). Just up and left, as though just having enough is my birthright. I actually have to say that what Karl is doing with me ironically is what I feel Michael has done with me for years – to put so much effort into trying to help me that he is awake at night, that it bothers him that much. That’s love. Okay, the biggest thing that I got out of David and my session tonight is that I can actually have the ability to speak up when something is bothering me. I liked that I said something to him – and it makes me question why I have never been able to do this so bluntly with Michael. Because I always feel as though that he will “win” with his character assessment and ability. He would say that about Gong Boazai, that he could never really fool that old martial artist. But the reality is that I am my own person, I am my own person to Karl and I do have a fighting spirit inside me which is actually the basis of my own creative power. It will be ironic if all this work is enough to heal me to write the document. Because this is actually what I would be writing about – the fact that I am fighting for this relationship, to prove that I have the ability to care for myself and another person to that extent. That I will not rest with only the half truth – and all of the truth requires me to look at my life this way. I am an intelligent person – why have I let so much lack of self-confidence get the better part of me. You can see it in my arguing with David and the way in which I could start to differentiate between these two sides – the defensive side and the devil’s advocate. Dreaming of the best and the worst case scenarios in order to act out the tools. I guess that I am being forced to change in a way, being forced to learn, stay open, be open with my eyes, my ears, my heart. But it is exhausting and that is also what love is. I hope that we can work through this thing and really finally reach some peace of mind. It’s not about when you get there – and I guess that some things will come back. Alright then – here’s something that my defensive side is saying, that I am learning about these tools because once I was also a psychopath. Through these past life memories that were embedded in me. There’s a reason that Karl is bringing this out of me, to help me heal myself. I am going to bed now.
Ruth 5/14 – 8:58 am
I actually got a chance to get some sleep last night after bringing out my anger. I can get triggered so easily around this topic and I did not like the fact that Karl was trying to make me see that Michael Guen is a cult leader and a psychopath. Well, he claims that he was just wanting to point out the facts. Michael used to be a leader of a cult (Michael writes that in his book “Way of the Saint”). Cult leaders are psychopaths who cannot reform. Therefore, A + B = C. Michael Guen is a psychopath cult leader. This is why I get so reactive and defensive. He’s asking me to let down my defensiveness and have a logical discussion about this. But this whole thing is fracked up, trying to argue about what this person is. I know that Karl feels threatened, and apparently he says that he’s not. I see characteristics in Michael that are not pretty too – but why should I tell him I basically laid into Karl last night, came out with the defensive Ruth and he chose not to engage with me. At one point, he went out of the room to go sleep on the couch. He has never done that before. I actually preferred this way, although it seemed sort of eerie in a sense too. Maybe it’s true that he’s changed, that he has seen that we can relate in a different way. Before, he would push me and push me to try and break down the wall. I did feel more connected to him through my anger. Maybe something about The Program is breaking down some internal barriers. I think that our communication is improving overall and I do feel very close to him. It’s crazy to think that “our song” is Madness. I want to listen to it again, review and absorb the lyrics so that I may find the reflection, the key, the essence. There was something that struck me about the song – this idea of having an opening, of being able to see yourself differently, even though there have been patterns and cycles that seemed never endless. I think of it in terms of Buddhist philosophy and the law of cause and effect, the never ending cycle of suffering that we all put ourselves through. We are attempting to break the cycle, but the only way I see that happening in infusing the physical with the spiritual. In this blog, I can basically say whatever thoughts come to my mind and it’s just by chance that he is reading this. I want to continue this practice of writing in the morning and in the evening because it seems to be allowing myself to get my thoughts out and process information differently. The fact of the matter is that I do have opinions on all different things and it’s about getting in touch with those opinions and voicing them. I don’t like that I feel as though I am being contained in The Program. It’s great that we’re taking a break today. We need to have fun together, to not absorb the stress of trying so hard to make each other understands what they need. He says that I am an non-confrontational person and I have never been one to face something that directly. I am choosing to believe that I will be given the tools to make my own decision and that there is no hidden agenda on Karl’s part. Quit the group, quit the group, quit the group, the secret mantra beneath the surface? Ironic that we are talking about manipulation and mind control. Well, the reality is that we are being mind controlled all the time – by the government, by the media, by our parents, by society. Karl is his own person and a free thinker and I admire that in him. He has this little rebellious side but the fact of the matter is that sometimes we need to be influenced. He gets defensive when I tell him that he is not being open minded about certain things – but the impression he leaves me sometimes makes me think that he’s just not getting it. But then he also surprises me all the time. It’s just the impression that he’s leaving – and I think other people can easily misread him. Here I am supposed to analyze this mind control book and material. I am supposed to think my way through all of this, as the emotional self comes up. I know that I am not only my emotions and they are passing through me. I’m sorry that I was such a bitch yesterday, but it’s actually okay that I was mad and triggered. Mind control? You think that you know things about me. You think that you have me pegged down. Well, once I let go of my defenses, you can see that it’s much more complex and beautiful than that.
Ruth 5/14 – 11:58 pm
I like this habit of writing twice a day, of being able to compile my thoughts. I was very grateful for the break today, for not being pushed in any one direction. It gave me time to digest the material, to be able to apply it in other ways. It is true that I become reactive when I think about applying it to my own life and my community. Playing the devil’s advocate role almost creates an emotional barrier with the material, as though I can intellectualize my experience and not feel into it. I think that Karl is right, that I need to get in touch with my feelings. But I also know now that feelings do not necessarily dictate a whole experience. They are transient anyway, they change like the lighting against the window pane. Today’s topics were all very engaging. I continued to read David’s book on my lunch break and I made my notes on the side of the margins. I was thinking about this idea of the charismatic leader, the one who has the knowledge and the ability that Michael Guen has to bring out that light and shine it onto other people. It is as though he creates a spotlight onto others too, pumps them up and then what happens when we are not feeding on that energy. I can make comments from both the defensive and devil’s advocate sides, but I think that I will save that for later. The main thing that I am learning about is what this charisma does, how do people yearn for that type of attention, what did I fall into with my father issues and how does he see his students. What I was telling Karl today is that he has examples of men abusing power, these were the psychopaths that he uncovered in his own life – the layman priest and the con-artist. Both men who were greedy for money. And this is also why he is so concerned with me because there is a lot of money involved with Michael Guen. It brings up uncomfortable memories, feelings. And he says that his intuition has been awakened again. “It’s just a feeling.” Well, what is the reason behind this feeling? Collecting the evidence – that’s what he’s begging me to do, to turn my critical eye. I believe in intuitive feelings. I believe that Karl actually has a gift to tap into, that those intuitive feelings come from the invisible realm. Well, Karl believes also that I have felt bad about myself because I have been brainwashed from my community. But there are different layers – the revealing of the Black Widow mentality and what she represents. We talked about this idea of not having a conscience, of taking advantage of people and not even blinking an idea – why? Because there is absolutely no empathy, no social connection, no ability to put yourself in another person’s shoes and melt your own heart. You are basically NOT human. You see how people can take advantage of each other when you act in another way? This whole topic is fascinating and I really feel Karl’s passion coming through.
Karl 5/15 – 10:41 am (shared with David and Ruth)
Ruth had the first session with David and it almost blew up in our face. David mentioned right on the beginning a fact from one of Michael Gun’s emails I sent him. Ruth was really losing it. She got turned to me and showed me the “I hate you for this face.” She felt betrayed and I can understand why. I think in the bigger context she understood that I had to do that. She vented for a few minutes and tried to get a grip, then she told David that he was not really respectful and that she knows nothing about him and he starts right away with some facts about the group. I think I agree with pretty much what she said and I tried to save the situation and ask for a break without David. Ruth agreed and I ask her what we can change. Well, she was still very angry and felt betrayed. But she also started to reason and ask me to address these issues and we did. We called back David (on Skype) and ask him to tell us first about him and than not talk as he already concluded that Ruth is in a cult. David than gave a 1 ½ “state of the nation” about his life and his and his wife’s involvement in a cult. I like when he says “this kind of stuff” which happens in every 5th sentence. I like his accent too and I thought he should try to connect to Ruth on a more personal level because even when he told his story he didn’t connect with his audience. Anyhow, on the end of the session I ask her to go through the document and share her notes she did on the site. Ruth was shaken I could tell she jumped back and force through the material and she felt a lot of anxieties playing the Ruth 1 and Ruth 2 role. I like to inject here a redefinition of the roles which are very imported to understand the dynamics in the group completely. Ruth 1 is the rational Ruth. This Ruth can argue she can organize she drives her life and she is her own person, she is charming if she like to be, super funny and goofy, has a opinion, is artistic and has a great genuine writing style I like. This is the person I fell in love with. Ruth 2 is, in my opinion, the so-called pseudo personality induced by Michael. A Mini-Michael in Ruth’s body – pretty freaky. She protects the group and talks about the cause and invisible realm and her teacher. She using a lot of jargon from Michael’s doctrine whenever necessary to support the importance of the cause. She can repeat exactly what Michael had to say and she can argue as she would be Michael herself. This personality is always in conflict with Ruth 1. Ruth 2 is the Ruth which didn’t receive support from me – I once did throw her out of my house and Ruth 1 came back. Arguing with here is pointless because it ends up in the wall or I get a closed looped logic answer like “it is all mystical and you don’t have access to it.” Frack I am tired of that shit – I can argue always like that and I am always right – by definition POINTLESS, POINTLESS, POINTLESS. By any means – I have to avoid talking to here – she is not real. I have to ask Ruth 1 to throw her out and end Ruth’s constant induced guilt trip (it is my fault not Michael’s and not my group – I am small, I have to work harder on my document to find my message, I just be not myself, I have to open myself up towards the group, I have to give my ego away.)
If I talk with Ruth 3 (the normal spiritual Ruth) than we find a lively exchange of ideas and spirituality, she is present and she is hopefully in one point of time part of Ruth 1 when Ying & Yang are reunited and she has to find that out on her own terms – I can only honestly share what I feel and see, like Ruth 1 can analyze Jim on the dot. I love that smarty.
We had a visitor tonight, Ruth 2 was here. She was in fighting mode but she couldn’t because there was nobody there to fight with. I did stay away to engage in the conversation because she is not real – I would talk to Michael and Ruth 1 knows – you cannot win – he is always right. And then she got the heavy weapons out – “Frack you,” she shouted. I got up from bed and went on the sofa. I like the sofa and sleeping here is just fine, I thought. I don’t like to be in bed with Ruth 2 anyway. After 5 minutes Ruth 1 came up and ask me to come back. Of course I like being with here, so I went. The next day – Ruth 1 was very sorry and I was not feeling any disconnection with her. I was fine, what a relief. Just fracking tired again because we started sleeping at 2:00 and I woke up at my usual 3:59. Frack. Today was our day “off.” No TP besides the Psychopath movie and we started the “Captive Minds (You Tube)” movie as well. Both are very interesting and very important to understand what a Psychopath really is. Ruth 1 was present and I didn’t see Ruth 2 at all. She was on vacation today. We had a small discussion in bed but again Ruth 2 didn’t come home. She slept under a bridge somewhere – I certainly do not mind. In the discussion I pointed out how I see the difference between Ruth 1 and 2 and 3. Suddenly Ruth 2 was there as well. Ruth 1 did hold her down but she was for sure there. I hope Ruth 1 was not too busy holding her down and could listen, at least for a bit.
Questions I Would Ask Ruth:
These are questions I assembled for David to take in consideration for his talks with Ruth. I asked him to not directly reference the questions in the conversation to keep Ruth 2 from appearing.
- How did Ruth got recruited? What was she searching for?
- How did Ruth meet Michael how did they bonded?
- Go into the relationship Ruth had with Michael
- How did that relationship change after the moved into the apprenticeship house?
- Black Widow and jealousy problems. Timeouts from Michael?
- Was your father issues used to deceive you and alienate you from your family?
- Why could you not share your life anymore with anybody outside the community?
- What did she learn in the apprentenship house. How much attention did you get. What happened?
- Leadership training and becoming lineage holder (carrots).
- Does Michael possess the tools to be a cult leader. Is he using Hypnosis/deception/Suggestion?
- Tell me about you past life experiences and the past life connection with Michael. Do you think you could be a victim of suggestion to deepening the bond?
- Magical events in Mendocino. Does Michael use Magic?
- Acupuncture sessions with Michael – why does everybody go and spend so much money. Hypnosis? Why did you often feel so small/worthless after the acupuncture sessions? Crying in my arms after having session with Michael on the beginning of the relationship.
- If he was already a long time ago a cult leader, was he not consciously using and abusing his powers?
- Can Mike be a Psychopath? Ruth 1 and 2 can answer.
- Talk about the guilt trip.
- Talk about the Thursday classes. Everybody makes confessions. I asked Ruth to keep our relationship out of that discussion with the group.
- Could Michael used the meditation in the class to suggest things?
- Trying to move in with Karl – what happened in the community?
- The coming out – who is getting money for the work they are doing?
- Why are you not critical Ruth? Why is nobody critical?
- Is there any limit how long you would wait for you group with the coming out?
- Do you think your group/Michael is suggestively sabotaging your relationship?
- Why do you and other act like children when Michael Guen is present?
Ruth 5/15 – 11:22 pm
Well, I practiced the art of listening last night and I have to tell you that it was very hard. We were talking in bed and it was dark and of course he was bringing up a very controversial topic – the whole psuedo personality idea. It’s why I blew up at David because at the time I felt that I was being boxed in. I listened to Karl very calmly last night and checked in with my body to see whether or not I was feeling reactive. And I could hear some thoughts going on in my head, the need to bite my tongue and not come back with either a snide or defensive comment. I could think of a million ways in which I could respond.
Ruth 5/15 – 11:40 pm
It’s all a set up. That’s what he wanted me to write, so I did. I asked David directly whether he was going to make an assessment of me and tell Karl what he thought of my situation. He does think that I am in a destructive cult. I found it interesting too that 95% of the people who talk to him actually end up leaving the group too. Anyhow, the Program is supposedly about me gathering information and tools to make my own decision. I have stood up to people in my life, been defensive, but that really isn’t always helpful because emotion gets the better of me rather than logic. There’s something going on there. I have to say that right now I am exhausted by talking to him for over two hours. I think I did pretty well with trying to stay non-reactive and hear my two sides go back and forth. I do want the critical thinker in me to come out, to have a voice, to be able to be an authentic individual. In the end, it’s true though that I am the only one that can make a determination. Don’t make me do something – you can’t force someone overtly to do something. I am so tired, it’s really hard for me to think. I really don’t want to write right now. Trying to stay open minded really takes a lot of effort, along with trying to be able to convince someone of your point of view. This whole process is actually asking something specific of me – who is the real Ruth? Where does she exist? What does she really believe in if this has been my default reality for the past ten years. Do I exist without Michael Guen and the community? I guess that I can see what they are saying now about the development of a pseudo personality. “You are a valuable member.” Anyhow, I feel more confident about working with David, but it is best for me to stay a bit cautious and really evaluate everything together. Frack it – Ruth 1, Ruth 2. All of these split personalities that I am dying to thread together. The woman inside me knows that there is something more to say – I want to scream something out and be original. If you read some of my old writings, there was passion, understanding and confusion. Really I am just so tired right now. Maybe I will have more to say in the morning. And, I just want you to know that I am giving this a chance. In my blog above that I will have to re-write, I was talking about this idea that Karl said I have never done anything sacrificial for the relationship, that I could not commit. Well, I did commit to the Progam out of my own free will. And I am committing to something on his behalf. He wants me to remember myself too, and I will. It’s just hard to make a distinction sometimes. Anyway, I am so tired, sorry this doesn’t make sense. Sleep is inevitable now.
Ruth 5/16 – 9:51 am
Feeling sad and depressed. I have to be honest with you. The possibility that I may be in a destructive cult is weighing on my heart. I am continuing to read David’s book and the more I think about it, the more seeds of doubt are being sown and watered. R2 wants to blame herself again – she is thinking that she botched things up by telling Karl about the feelings for Michael Guen. This is what she rationalizes – that his motivation now to label the group a destructive cult originated from jealousy and he’s not even aware of it. But then R1 starts trying to have another say – perhaps this is also my pseudo personality kicking in, that all the hidden components and forces are not really hidden or real. I can try to make a case that Germany’s wounded history with Hitler has made Karl hyper sensitive to leaders in power and mind control and manipulation. What am I trying to convince him of? The 10 years of Michael Guen’s belief system. I feel incredibly sad right now because I love Karl and I want to be with him. I feel as though I am being asked to choose, even though he says that I can do whatever I want, that I have the freedom. My lungs right now feel so heavy and full of this grief, the possibility that my life will be unraveling. This I guess is the time to pray, to find a true connection out there, to allow myself to be supported. I feel really, really sad. It makes me think that I don’t really know myself, that I never knew myself. I have tears in my eyes writing this. I can’t write anymore.
Karl 5/16 – 8:09 am (shared with David and Ruth)
I see how deeply disturbed Ruth is and I feel sad. The session with David was very constructive or you could also say destructive and Ruth switched between R1 and R2 to analyze her relationship with the group. There was a point in the talk were R2 disappeared for a long long time and R1 contemplated and argued with David. Than suddenly there she was again R2 – “I don’t think I am in a destructive cult!” Ruth said in the morning – “It is like somebody takes my family away. I know you only 9 month.” She is right she has known me only 9 months but what if … does it really matter? She started crying and felt really lost – “what do I have if I lose them. I have only you – that’s what you want, right?” I can only lose this argument and hope that she feels that I do that for both of us. But she has to trust her feeling on the end after going the so called physical world and her feelings. The complete Ruth has to find her way…
Ruth 5/17 – 12:30 am
Well, I just ended my third session with David and I have to say that I did pretty well. I consciously tried to practice staying as present as possible with Ruth 1. I could see Ruth 2 raising her hand more politely this time instead of trying to impose her point of view. If in fact she is a mini-clone, then she will always have the same thing to say. She was able to tell her side of the story, but I felt as though she did not have as much power or defensiveness as before. Even though I am physically tired, emotionally I feel much more at peace right now. It was really healthy for me to express criticism and frustration towards Michael Guen tonight and his behaviors, and no the sky did not open up and strike me down with a fresh lighting bolt. I actually was able to articulate my frustration with this whole process without getting super emotional. That was really liberating in itself. It makes me think that perhaps I can imagine an alternative, as David was saying. That maybe there is something to all of this. Also, tonight it was really good for me to talk with Carla (Ruth’s friend) and open up to her about what happened in the group. I told her about the Program and Karl’s intention to have me see the light as well – whatever the truth may be. I feel as though I’ve purged a lot today, even though I was feeling very sad and confused this morning. It felt very real. This purging of the past.
Ruth 5/17 – 1:45 pm
I am sad and scared. I know that I have love around me, support around me. But honestly, I don’t know how to deal with my feelings. It’s not that I am collapsing into an emotional abyss. In fact, I feel very functional and almost at peace inside. I think I wrote about that yesterday. It makes my stomach turn thinking about writing Michael Guen another check for $350. It makes me angry inside and I can begin to feel my heart pounding, the butterflies in my stomach increasing. Just thinking about his relationship to Katherine (Michael Guen’s girlfriend) also makes me want to vomit. She’s being used by him – it’s clear to me now. I can just see what all of them are going to tell me. It’s so predictable (that’s another piece of terminology that they will shove down my throat – this idea that you cannot be black or white or predictable. That the goal of the saint is to be formless and thus UNPREDICTABLE.) They are going to say that I’m pissed off that I could not have Michael as my husband and I’m jealous of Katherine. So that is why I am slandering Michael’s character and trying to bring down the cause. It’s so predictable. It makes me so ANGRY. Jesus Christ. And then the sadness sets in – the fact that I have wasted all this time and $55,000. The best thing that happened though through my 10 years with the group was my divorce from Matt my ex-husband. Because otherwise I would have never met Karl, a person who genuinely and deeply loves me. More than what anyone else has shown to me. Real love. That’s irreplaceable. So, in a way, I played out my karmic destiny with Michael. I will take into consideration this next step of helping the others, but for now, I am just trying to put the pieces together and make SENSE of my experience. I am so glad that I have David as a resource, and that Ruth 2 did not just sabotage that opportunity. Because he’s helped me so much. And I cannot tell you how much I am grateful to Karl for all his love and support. I could not have done any of this if he had decided to walk away from me and our relationship. I really went at him some of those times, but now it makes sense that it was Ruth 2 trying to protect herself from the anguish of the truth. She was kicking and screaming for a reason. She knew all along but she was like a shield. It’s hard though. It’s really hard. And now it’s time for the unraveling. I simultaneously feel really scared and really empowered. But it’s HARD.
Karl 5/17 – 8:26 pm
David talked to Ruth for 3 hours – what a change. Ruth is analyzing, she puts the tools to work and she is finally connecting the dots. WHAT A CHANGE. After we hung up with David we talked another 2 hours in bed. She told me how Michael induced the guilt into here. “Women are perpetrator and you eat of my energy, this is your nature Ruth”. I have to admit my anger against him rises. How can he do such think. Oh yes – psychopath, no remorse, it is always somebody else never Dr. M (I like it … like Dr. Marbuse, or Dr. Mengele) We woke up at 5:30 and Ruth was again talking away. Sharp, analytical is she dissecting the group dynamics. For me at this point it is healing to get the complete picture. I ask her also to go through situation we both experienced and she confirmed all my suspicions – great I am not getting crazy, I am not paranoia. I eager to hear more…. I thought a very positive outcome of this could be that she could have her big coming out – not just 6 pages of Michael Guen’s pleasing promoting bullshit. She can have a real message a real calling, a real helping others, she should write her story down and share it – that could be her genuine book. – She has to do that, I have to encourage her and this time she would have my support …. And yes, R2 was in the basement in chains. She is wasting herself away. Doesn’t look good for her … And frack yes … soooo tired.
Ruth 5/19 – 7:34 pm
So much has happened in the past few days. So much. It’s unbelievable. I feel as though something has permanently broken inside me – and this is actually what I needed. My whole life has actually been crumbling before my eyes. You may think that this sounds dramatic, but I am really not exaggerating. It is as though I am a completely different person. Underneath the shell of my pseudo personality is the truth of who I am. The real Ruth. She had been hiding beneath this shit for the past ten years, crushed by the severity of Michael Guen’s lies and deception. I told David this morning that it felt as though he had put a virus in me and that the program was activated by certain key words, phrases, events. I was always living in fear, constant fear. I did not know what it meant to even be myself because it was as though the demon was living inside me. How ironic that he kept saying that I was possessed with an entity. In actuality, the entity was MICHAEL GUEN and Karl was brave enough to exorcise him. Permanently. Sometimes I can feel Ruth 2 trying to creep up back again, a sudden pause to consider what the group would think of me and my disappearance. To imagine how they will demonize me. I know what they will all say – that I betrayed them and myself, my dreams of being a teacher. That I am brainwashed by my boyfriend. Most of all, the will point out my character defects are shining through. It makes me so angry that I had believed the LIES for so long. I want to rip his head off and punch him in the groin. It makes me so angry that I want to be violent. It’s such a contrast from the other feelings that have been swirling inside me – these waves of relief, coupled with a constant feeling of peace and gratitude. I am deeply grateful for Karl and David, the two people who have really helped me see this through. Karl has shown me the type of love that I have been looking for all my life – his integrity and his passion for morality is really remarkable and I admire him so much. I sometimes wonder what it is that he really loves about me and why I have really stimulated such strong feelings in him.
I have to talk about something that is a bit painful for me right now. It is the realization that Jill and Crystal (my friends) did not fight for me. It is making me thing about the nature of true friendship and what someone will do for you when the chips are really down and you need it. Neither of them were able to overcome their fear in the end. In fact, I think it was debilitating for them. Something about it feels wrong, I have to say. I want to forgive them and to brush it aside, but underneath it is hurt. Especially with Jill. She had seen these things for many years now and it is as though she really gave up. I wish that she had the tools back then. But there was something also missing – the ability to care enough to see it through. I don’t know. I am not trying to blame them, but it hurts. I was trying to protect them today by saying that they are busy with their young children. If I look at myself honestly, I can say that I would have reacted to Karl’s email so differently. How could he have conveyed the urgency differently? David really was sent by God, the answer to Karl’s prayers. It was a secret answer to my own prayers as well because I believe that somewhere inside me I wanted to get the frack out of this group. There was still a part of me that was kicking and screaming.
The other painful realization today came from telling Karl about what really happened with my family and their visit to Santa Rosa. How I was manipulated into separating myself from them and even hurting them. This happened also during our trip to India. I will have to write in greater detail about it sometime. But what a mind fuck – all planted by Michael Guen. He was the one who set up the whole thing. And he constantly blamed me for it. I want to now talk to my parents openly about it. They thought that they had lost their little girl. And then Eileen my sister and Charles my brother thought that they had lost their sister. So another question arises within me – why didn’t they fight for me either? Did they just not have enough leverage? This is one of the greatest things about this whole experience – that love can conquer corruption and mind control. Karl’s love was true and this made all the difference in the world. Looking back now, I don’t know how my family or friends could have acted differently. They were not seeing me every day. I did not share with them my struggles and my pain, the constant self doubt and self-flagellation. I was the living embodiment of a masochist and Michael Guen kept reinforcing the belief system. I have to remind myself that it was not my fault. It is the first thing David does when a person realizes that he or she has been mind controlled. It is such a relief to finally be given permission in this instance to be the victim in the situation. I know better now. I know so much more than I ever thought was possible. My life is really my own and I could not have said that for the past ten years. Yes, ten years of my life. It’s time to use this knowledge to heal myself and other people. But this time, my mission and my calling is not EMPTY. It is not the mission of a guru cult leader. It is something true and honest. It is who I am.
Karl 5/19 – 8:08 pm
Well, it was a great weekend and I didn’t see R2 anymore – she is gone. Finally we can have a life together. The Program was planed for 3 weeks and its seems like the program took three week but it took me only from Saturday to Sunday to free up Ruth from the Michael Guen Cult. The pseudo personality was very strong on the beginning but slowly and surly I found cracks in the wall and with help of David we could get Ruth to see the truth or like I call it “seen the light”. I am a engineer and when somebody would have told me that people can carry a pseudo persona in them I wouldn’t believe that is possible with the simple methods described by many Mind Control books. The work David and I did felt like an exorcism, I really did see the daemon in Ruth, angry and fighting for his life deceiving, lying exactly like Michael Guen. Well she is gone and I feel thankful relieved and optimistic for our life together.
We had a great weekend and Ruth is still going through all her memories and she talks about them like she seen them the first time. Most of the stories get a completely different meaning without R2 looking over her shoulders anymore. Michael Guen seems to be always the master manipulator and it is really refreshing for me that all my suspicion are confirmed. What I didn’t expect to what extend the group members are reporting to the spider in the middle. Unfortunately even my darkest suspicion was confirmed. I have a hard time writing about it because this is really nagging on me. On the other hand Ruth was manipulated to believe that this psychopath loves her and not just that she was manipulated to believe that she has a chance to marry him and have his baby. I have to stop here or I have to puke. Michael Guen is not just steal $55k and 10 years of Ruth lifetime he caused me pain and sleepless nights. He caused also many fights in my relationship with Ruth always related to him lying deceiving and manipulating. Karma will hunt him, I am sure and I will be her assistant that the truth find its way into the light.
– Karl and Ruth –
Photo Credit: Maria Reyes McDavis via Flickr